Reflections on Life

Reflections on Life

 





Most people spend their lives running in circles never thinking about death unless it's to attend a funeral and then only for the time it takes to get through the ordeal.

 

I may think of death a little more than the average person on the street unless they are suicidal just because I have faced it on a few occasions during my first 50 years on this earth. I have experienced what it means to have Cancer, Heart problems, A severe bacteria infection(MRSA) and a couple of life threatening accidents. I have heard people make the statement, "Whatever doesn't kill you. makes you stronger and I am here to call B.S.". While experiencing heart ache, sickness and pain may make you a little more determined to do everything you can to stay alive, I can say without a shadow of a doubt that I am not physically stronger than I was before I had my first heart attack or experienced my first heartbreak.

 

As I approach my 50th birthday, I am taking the time to reflect back on a life that while it may not have been the most glamorous has definitely been interesting. I traveled much of the country and had many love affairs in my twenties and early thirties while spending much of my thirties and early forties very deeply in love with the wrong woman. While having spent the latter part of my forties recovering from heart disease and heartbreak, I have found solace in the fact that I am experiencing this alone having had enough common sense to not marry and put a wife and family through all I have had to endure.

 

My father did not afford my mother the common courtesy of walking away when he found that he could not be faithful to just one woman and therefore his wife and three children experienced a life of broken promises and shattered dreams. While we loved my father he never loved us enough to be faithful to our mother nor did he have the nerve to walk away and let us live in peace. It is during times like this that I find myself reflecting not on my own life but on the life my father forced on us. There are things I have done and said that when I look back are a direct reflection of his influence. Things I can never write and only my dearest friends will ever know because of the shame associated with the acts and circumstances. There are many people in the same situation; and while we may suffer in silence I draw comfort in knowing I am not alone.

I think I hold on so tight to the past because it is such an integral part of who I am and I can't seem to let go without losing the memory of my father. People may think it weird and self defeating that on one hand I despise much of what my father stood for yet I have done many of the same things.

( This is going to be one of those post that will be updated periodically because there is so much to write about.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

How to become fat on pennies a day.

Homeless doesn't have to mean Hopeless.

LIFE WAITS FOR NO ONE...

As a Christian Freemason, Templar and Shriner I have an overwhelming desire to help people even though some folks would look at me and think that I'm the one who needs the help. I have been given an opportunity to


 Life is passing us by and there are needs that are going to go unmet because it was our responsibility to meet those needs.

Why do we do? What we do?

Do you do things for the rewards you receive from others or for self gratification? In school we received stars for being "good" and demerits for being "bad" or in our case as a children we received whippings for being "disobedient" and nothing for being "obedient". This is actually an ineffective system because to avoid the whippings all we had to do was not get caught which made us pretty good at being sneaky. It offered no real incentive for being obedient.
Back to the original question, "How many of us actually do things because they are right for us instead of what someone else says is right for us?" As a teacher I watch as kids struggle in one subject while exceling in another because society and the education system demands they be proficient in all subjects. When are we going to learn to stop putting pressure on kids and adults and understand that if they need to know something they will figure out how to get it done. I know people who quit school in the 6th grade who have become multi-millionaires because they had abilities which can not be taught in a classroom.

In the wee hours of the morning...

It is the middle of the night and as much as I desire sleep it eludes me like prey eludes a hunter so I am forced to resort to the only option left at my disposal which  is writing.
To some people I committed a grave sin yesterday which was Easter by not attending a church and celebrating Christ's Resurrection. On the other hand I did spend lots of time contemplating what Easter means to me and what both the secular and the church worlds have turned it into and made a conscious decision to stay home and celebrate in my own way.

I found the following information in Wikipedia:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Resurrection_of_Jesus#Christian_tradition

The whole story of Christ's Birth or Christmas, His Death, Burial and Resurrection, or the Easter story has become so commercialized that I really don't care to celebrate it. It should be a time of remembrance yet it has been turned into a time to receive gifts delivered by a fat man in a red suit and hunt eggs delivered by a bunny. It has basically become a joke to the rest of the world.

I like to picture an empty cross as a symbol of his Resurrection power, the same power which abides within each of God's children.

Sometimes you wanna quit but can't...

I am still laughing over something that happened at school today.

Yesterday was a particular trying day at school so much so that when I got home I fired off an email to the Pastor/Principal (Christian Academy) informing him of my decision to not return to the classroom after Spring Break. I felt like I had fulfilled my obligation to the school and there were enough teachers available that my services were no longer needed. I received no reply.
When I arrived at the school today to teach my class he told me that there was a teachers appreciation dinner tomorrow night. I asked if he had read my e-mail and he looked at me and said, "Yes and I did not pay any attention to what you wrote." I almost burst a gut laughing because I realized that he knew it was sent in frustration and I can only imagine how many times he must feel like quitting his job but as the Shepherd of his flock he can not just walk away no matter how unruly the sheep become because he still has a responsibility. God is Good! 
I will be back in the classroom come May 9th. :)

The "good" old days.

Back in the 70's our family was dirt poor and as a kid I did not know it nor did I care, having fun was all that was on my mind. Days spent riding my bike up and down the streets, in a new neighborhood, we moved into which was full of kids and no crime unless it was one of us kids being mischievous, I was living life to the fullest. I later found out the town we had moved into was a hotbed of suspicious activity but no one was talking. I remember passing the local park on Saturday mornings with my dad and seeing a KKK membership drive in progress and thinking nothing of it. When I was 12 years old I did not care that my own father was mixed up in the Klan or to what extent, I never found out nor did I ever dig too deep. In later years, some of the most intense arguments between my father and I were because he wanted me to become a member of the KKK and I refused. I don't know why but even at an early age I knew something was not right about hating groups of people because of their race or religious affiliations.

I believe my mother and her prayers are the only reasons I never spent a night in jail because had I followed in my dad's footsteps I would either be doing life in prison or dead. I have had men tell me I should not tell others that my dad was a criminal because it could reflect bad on me. I look at it this way, the mere fact I am 49 years old and running free is a miracle in and of itself because I have not always been a man one would call good. I have always had a good heart but have done some really stupid things in my life. I am not going to even call them mistakes because at the time I knew exactly what I was doing and did them anyway. Discussing all of my stupidity in this way would be rather stupid if you know what I mean so I hope to take this in a different direction, one which will touch on some of the better characteristics of my nature.

I have always been the kind of guy who when asked to do something would at least make an attempt even if I failed except when it came to some of the things my father would ask of me. I knew he was a scoundrel and although I loved him I would sometimes refuse his request which would make him furious. He first introduced me drugs at a very early age 13 or 14. First, it was speed and later narcotics in the form of "pain" killers and sedatives. I had been huffing gasoline since the age of 9 or so although, at the time, I had no clue what I was doing all I knew is that it made me feel really lightheaded and out of my mind. I actually drank my first glass of wine and smoked my first cigarette around 10 years old with a neighbor kid. I could never figure out why my parents never knew I was getting high (Huffing Gasoline) because I never really hid it. I later found out that my dad had other things on his mind (like chasing women, attending KKK meetings, work, etc...) and my mom was not well during those days having to deal with my father's antics and some other medical issues.

The "good" old days were not so good and they scarred some of us mentally but we would never admit that because to do such a thing would make us weak and to be weak is to be a victim and no one wants to be a victim, right?

I was brought up attending church on Sunday morning, nights and Wednesday nights as a minimum and going to "revivals" which sometimes lasted for weeks on end. No matter how many sermons I heard it never took hold on me like it should have because I was not only listening to the words being spoken I was watching and learning from the actions of the adults doing the speaking and the ones on the receiving end. I could never correlate what I was seeing with what I was hearing and to this day over 40 years later it's still a mystery to me how people who call themselves Christians or Men of Faith are able to harbor such diametrically opposing value systems and how Love and Hate can occupy the same space at the same time. In my opinion, in order to pull off such a feat, one must have split personalities.

Kids

KIDS

Like it or not kids are always around even if you choose not to birth any of your own. They can be a blessing if you are a person with patience's or the very bane of your existence if not.

Kids these days seem to be smarter than kids of my generation, 40 years ago, but the fact of the matter is they are exposed to a different form of education. The kids today have educational video games and programs, cell phones and computers while we had the streets and our friends. My parents did not have a television in our house until I was well into my teen years. While the kids of my generation were much more capable of communicating on a personal level or one on one, the kids today can use social media to reach hundreds, even thousands, of people in the blink of an eye yet they are very awkward when it come to talking to strangers in person.

I am going to switch subjects for a bit and talk about my experience with socially awkward kids.
As a first time teacher, working with kids ages 11-17, I have found  communicating with them is not as easy for me as I once thought especially when most of them have hyperactive  tendencies. Most of the kids in my classes who have behavioral issues have been taken off their meds by their parents because it makes the kids "drowsy". I took meds for A.D.D. while going to college which allowed me to concentrate rather than pay attention to what others were doing around me.

 

Reality of the Soul.

Often I have wondered if my past, present and future reality (til death) are all there is and I am sure there is life after death. The reason I am so sure is because the life giving essence (our soul) of who we are as people came from somewhere and when this body dies it is going to live on someplace else.  

Asian workers in my area can not or will not speak English.

   For the life of me, I can't figure out why so many of the Asian workers in my area can not or will not speak English. I am not racist nor am I prejudice in any way yet there are times while alone in a restaurant with the waite staff, all of whom are speaking to each other in Vietnamese, Chinese, or some other Asian dialect and not one of them will take the time to talk to me.
   I do not have this problem with other ethnic groups. For example, most Spanish speaking restaurants which I frequent the wait staff go out of their way to be friendly and sometimes when things are slow they will stop and hold conversations with their guests even if their English isn't so great.

OBAMA is DANGEROUS

This is an edited (some of the wording was not right) Facebook posting which I decided to use as a blog post.

OBAMA is DANGEROUS for the U.S. and why people can't see this is beyond my comprehension.. Why do I say this? Look at what he is doing right now to our country. He has turned the poor against the rich, Black and Latino against White, Females against males, Gays against straights. He set the Sequester (which is due to go into effect Friday,) into motion 2 years ago and now he is blaming congress for the coming debacle. I read something yesterday that said, "The people of the U.S. are not stock piling weapons just to say they have a weapons cache, they are planning for a coming war."
I AM TELLING YOU, RIGHT NOW, FOLKS THAT THIS PLACE IS A POWDER KEG WAITING TO BLOW AND THE WAY OBAMA IS ACTING SEEMS LIKE HE IS TRYING TO IGNITE A SPARK.

Obama's rhetoric and scare tactics are getting more intense as Friday approaches. I have never seen a President in my 30 years as a voter who spends so much time on the campaign trail or the Golf Course. On one hand he is railing against the rich and on the other he is playing golf with a multi-millionaire in the person of Tiger Woods. He hobnobs with celebrities then rants against the excesses of the wealthy. I truly believe the man is schizophrenic or in the very least has a split personality.

Watch the video below and you will see that without his teleprompter he would be lost and he keeps repeating the same dribble over and over again.

These words were said by Joseph Goebbels, Hitler's (right hand man). ? “If you tell a lie big enough and keep repeating it, people will eventually come to believe it. The lie can be maintained only for such time as the State can shield the people from the political, economic and/or military consequences of the lie. It thus becomes vitally important for the State to use all of its powers to repress dissent, for the truth is the mortal enemy of the lie, and thus by extension, the truth is the greatest enemy of the State.”

Folks on the left and the main stream media vehemently hate anyone who dares point out any flaws in their demi-god, so I will not be surprised if a few of my friends feel some resentment at what I have written but if they can not see the truth then they are in for the shock of their lives when this place goes up in flames.

http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/ellison-hannity-tirade-video-145809949--politics.html

Democratic Rep. Ellison launches into tirade on Fox News (VIDEO)

news.yahoo.com

Democratic Rep. Keith Ellison exploded during a live interview with Sean Hannity on Tuesday, calling the Fox News host the "worst excuse for a journalist I've ever seen" and a "shill for the Republican Party." The Minnesota congressman was on the program to discuss President Barack Obama's remarks o...

• 

  David Carroll People like Obama and Rep. Ellison, Tell lies then they lie about lying and before long they actually think that what they are saying is the truth. It is a vicious web they spin and people who do not pay attention to what is really going on get caught in their web and become part of the confused masses walking the streets in a daze railing against everything.

  11 minutes ago · Like
• P R I hate to say it David but there is a part of me that wants this nation to fall into anarchy so a phoenix can rise from the ashes. The only problem with that is there is no guarantee of what kind of phoenix we would have.
  

Old people did not get old by being really foolish.

By: David Carroll Jr.

As a Freemason, I am around men and women who are much older than myself everyday and one thing I have come to realize is that, Old people did not get old by being really foolish. 
If the majority of the men and women I associate with were foolish at any point in their past they have long since outgrew that trait and moved on. These people I call my brothers and sisters, with the exception of a few of the younger ones, are some of the most intelligent human beings with which I have ever come in contact and I can truly say my life is better for having them in it.

Here is a lesson for all younger people (Under the age of 60) make friends with and listen to what the older people in your life have to say because, Old people did not get old by being really foolish. Like I said before there are a few exceptions to every rule but by and large as people enter their Golden years they become mellow and introspective mostly because they know they haven't long left on the earth or maybe they haven't the strength to fight so they live by their wits.

If the old folks in your life do not have dementia or some other disease which puts limits on their mental capacity start asking them questions especially if they have owned businesses or were professionals of any sort during their lifetime. You will be amazed at the repository of information they have stored away in their brains.

I am constantly amazed and you will be too when you realize that, Old people did not get old by being really foolish.

Disclaimer: This is my opinion and is in no way based on any scientific research or data.

There are a million and 1 reasons to Live with Addiction and only one to get Sober.

 By: David E. Carroll Jr

There are a million and one reasons people give for getting drunk.
1. My girlfriend left or is being mean to me.
2. My boyfriend is a prick.
3. My wife won't sleep with me anymore.
4. My husband is a prick.
5. My girlfriend is sleeping with my wife.
6. My husband is a prick.
7......
I could go on and on but the reality of the situation is people don't need a reason to get drunk and act stupid they do it because that is what they want to do.
I once had a friend who would get drunk every time we went out and would flirt with any man or woman who would look her way and would always get me into fights by telling the men I was being mean to her. I can't tell you how many times I pulled her out of situations which occurred because she was drunk and stupid . The next day she would not remember anything because at some point she would blackout. The funny part is that while blacked out she functioned perfectly, even to the point of driving a car. I followed her home many nights and she never swerved or gave any indication that she was wasted.

Some people drink everyday yet they deny having a drinking problem.
If you can not go a day without drinking some sort of alcoholic beverage then you have a drinking problem.

Certain people have asked how I can tell them to stop drinking because it is controlling their lives when I drink.  Well there is a difference in drinking a couple of beers or a glass or two of wine with dinner at times or getting drunk a couple of times a year vs drinking until I blackout a few times a week. Very few people I know drink to this extent but if you are one of them you have a problem and need to get help. 

There was a period of time when in my late twenties/early thirties (80's and 90's) I found myself drinking everyday and most days, while at work. Once I started this behavior I quickly found out I wasn't alone and started learning from my co-workers how to disguise my drinking. It was easy, a large white Styrofoam cup could be used to hide a Daiquiri or disguise a smaller cup with a cocktail inside. I had sales reps bring me bottles of liquor which we would sometimes consume behind the lock doors of my office. I can not even start to tell you how many deals I made while inebriated and no one seemed to care. Same goes for smoking pot, there were many days when my assistant and I would get high at lunch and go back to work, lock the door to my office and sleep until it was time to knock off.

Many of those days are remembered through an alcoholic haze but when I decided enough was enough, I quit cold turkey for over two years I did not drink a drop of alcohol. Not many people can say they have gone from being drunk every night to stone sober for two years. I did the same thing with cigarettes, I smoked on and off for over 25 years and when I decided to quit for good, I stopped and have only smoked a couple of times in the past 3 years.

The hardest thing I have ever tried to stop was my feelings for the girls and women in my life whom I have been romantically involved.
Addiction to Love is brutal.

The one reason I have for staying sober is:(fill in the blank)_______________________.

Valentine's Day SUCKS!!!

VD besides standing for "venereal disease" is just another day which has been co-opted by big business to make people's lives seem more relevant than they really are; so to all the people who will make the flower vendors, jewelers and candy manufacturers happy today just remember there are 364 more days in the year that you have to keep the promises you make or they are meaningless. Have A Happy Valentine's Day!

Blogging 101

Apparently to be a successful blogger one must:

1. Write about something which interest other people. Forget that nonsense and find a subject which interests you; a subject which lights a fire in the pit of your stomach and write about it with enthusiasm. If you do this the audience will find you. Remember the cliche, "If you build it they will come?" Well try it and see if it doesn't work.
2. Do it everyday. This is the one lesson I have not fully incorporated into my daily routine.
3. Be funny or sarcastic. Humor and criticism seem to sell especially if directed at    the agreed upon target of the day. It seems like the target changes at a pretty rapid clip in the caffeine fueled blogosphere.  These people of whom many have been legally diagnosed with ADD or ADHD  jump from one subject to another like rabbits on hot asphalt. This is not by any means a denigration of folks with any sort disorder because I have some of the same tendencies so I understand them better than people who are just normal.
4. Forget being modest.  You have to sell people on the fact that you are worth their time. There are literally millions of blogs in the blogosphere where a person can spend their time so why would they choose to spend it with you? What makes you special?

Updates to follow"

Still surviving my teaching gig.

This is the third semester and I have settled into my position as a teacher. There were times during the Fall that I swore that I was not coming back in January. I am going to be 49 years old in 10 days and have been in the workforce since I was 15 years old and dealing with 6th grade and 10 grade children has tried my last nerve. I can say for certain that I am better for having weathered the storm. I have taken the reins and am finally guiding them down the path I want them to take instead of being dragged along behind them.

I am not a parent so I do not have the luxury of having dealt with teenage attitude on a daily basis. In the past if a kid gave me attitude I would either send them to their parents or I would walk away but when you have other kids sitting there looking at you, while a kid is giving you lip, to see how you react, it is a different situation altogether. At first, I would get mad and threaten to pound them into the ground which they knew was not going to happen, then I resorted to sending them to the office for a paddling (yes a paddling), now all I do is look at them and smile like I know something they don't know and that seems to work in most cases. :)

Funny thing is I have a couple of kids with behavior issues in other classes yet they don't give me a problem. In my spelling class, I let the girls who are a little better at the material work together while I take the boys and work them like a coach or drill instructor and they seem to respond better than if I let them just get lost among the other students.

God Bless the Children

1/30/2013
Still here. Just added sixth and ninth grade Health and 11th grade Economics to the list of subjects I am teaching. This means I am have both ninth grade and 6th grade Health in the same class at the same time. The only way this is possible is to let the kids work at their own pace using quizzes and worksheets and when they get to something they do not understand I am there to guide them. Since this is basically homeschooling curriculum it makes "teaching" certain classes much easier than if I were having to orally present the information. Even the kids who are usually much slower seem to be able to work this way because as long as they can read and comprehend they stay busy.

The only problem I have now is keep butts in the seats. The kids come to me after Lunch and P.E., full of Energy and Sweet Ice Tea which makes keeping them in their seats about as easy as sticking a limp noodle up a Wild Cat's Rear. It can be done but there is a high degree of certainty that someone is going to walk away at the end of the day with some injuries and it is usually me.